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Lost in the Sauce: Barr's DOJ shut down investigations of Trump and admin officials
Welcome to Lost in the Sauce, keeping you caught up on political and legal news that often gets buried in distractions and theater… or a global health crisis. Housekeeping:
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Post-election
On Saturday, Trump announced on Twitter that he has put his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani in charge of his campaign's long-shot post-election legal challenges. Other people on the team include Joseph diGenova, Victoria Toensing, Sidney Powell, and Jenna Ellis.
Giuliani worked with a Russian agent to smear Biden. diGenova and Toensing tried to get the Justice Department to drop charges against corrupt Ukraine oligarch Dmytro Firtash. Powell represents Michael Flynn and champions "deep state" conspiracies. Ellis said gay marriage leads to pedophilia.
NYT: Mr. Trump turned to Mr. Giuliani earlier on Friday in reaction to the latest setback he faced in court, this one relating to votes in Maricopa County, Arizona… A half-dozen other Trump advisers have described Mr. Giuliani’s efforts as counterproductive and said that he was giving the president unwarranted optimism about what could happen… In an Oval Office meeting with aides on Thursday, Mr. Trump put Mr. Giuliani on speakerphone so the others could hear him. He angrily accused the aides of not telling the president the truth
Giuliani’s conspiracy-riddled rant at Four Seasons Total Landscaping was so disastrous that it “scared off many of the lawyers” recruited to argue election-related lawsuits.Politico: “Campaign officials described the episode as disastrous...there are widespread concerns within Trumpworld and GOP circles that Giuliani’s antics are thwarting the president’s legal machinery from within.” Two major law firms have withdrawn from Trump campaign cases as his legal challenges crumble. Arizona’s largest law firm Snell & Wilmer dumped the RNC and Trump campaign effort to challenge votes in Maricopa County. Porter Wright Morris & Arthur is abandoning Trump’s attempt to block Pennsylvania's popular vote for Joe Biden.
In one day (Friday), nine cases meant to attack President-elect Joe Biden's win in key states were denied or dropped - seven in Pennsylvania, one in Arizona, and one in Michigan.
The new federal chief information security officer, Camilo Sandoval, has already taken leave from his day job to participate in a pro-Trump effort to hunt for evidence of voter fraud in the battleground states. The group, Voter Integrity Fund, is a newly formed Virginia-based group that is analyzing ballot data and cold-calling voters. Sandoval was officially appointed on Nov. 4, 2020, but lists his starting date at October on his personal LinkedIn page.
WaPo: Sandoval is part of a hastily convened team led by Matthew Braynard, a data specialist who worked on Trump’s 2016 campaign. Another participant is Thomas Baptiste, an adviser to the deputy secretary of the Interior Department who also took a leave to work on the project. Braynard said in an interview that several other government officials on leave are also assisting the effort, but he declined to identify them.
Media’s role:
Facebook Cut Traffic To Leading Liberal Pages Just Before The Election: Liberal page administrators who spoke with BuzzFeed News said that their reach declined by as much as 70%, and still hasn’t recovered.
Facebook Live Spread Election Conspiracies And Russian State-Controlled Content Despite Employee Fears: The social network’s live video tool has recommended videos featuring misinformation and the hyperpartisan views of Trump allies leading up to and following election day in the US.
In the week after the election, Trump’s postings dominated Facebook, accounting for the 10 most engaged status updates in the United States, and 22 of the top 25. “I WON THIS ELECTION, BY A LOT!” was his top post.
YouTube Is Doing Very Little to Stop Election Misinformation From Spreading
Social media app Parler receives financial backing from conservative hedge-fund investor Robert Mercer and his daughter Rebekah, The Wall Street Journal reported. Parler turned into a kind of de facto home for conservatives’ protests against the election— including the persistent “Stop the Steal” campaign— after the race was called for former Vice President Joe Biden. Several high-profile conservative social media personalities encouraged people to abandon Twitter and Facebook because of their moderation policies, and instead follow them on Parler.
Transition
Emily Murphy, the head of the General Services Administration, still hasn’t signed the official letter that would allow the incoming Biden team to formally begin the transition. House Democrats are assessing options to force the GSA’s hand, which could include summoning Murphy to the Hill to testify or suing her. “Obviously, Congress could file suit against the GSA administrator for failing to do her duty. We could seek to get a court to, in fact, issue an order
Her ascertainment is the legally necessary precursor to the government’s assistance to the Biden-Harris Presidential Transition Team. It releases $6.3 million dollars to the team, which is funded by public and private money; a loan of expanded federal office space and equipment; access to government agencies that will begin sharing information and records about ongoing activities, plans and vulnerabilities; national security briefings for the president; and other support.
The Office of the Director of National Intelligence recently confirmed that it is not providing national security briefings to the president-elect. The Defense Department has also reportedly indicated that it will not meet with the Biden-Harris transition team until Murphy formally affirms the apparent winner.
One of the officials fired in Trump’s latest purge was helping prepare for the transition to the new administration. USAID Deputy Administrator Bonnie Glick was removed abruptly to make way for a Trump loyalist after she had been supportive of transition planning, including the preparation of a 440-page manual for the next administration. The GSA’s refusal to enact the transition has locked Biden’s team out of crucial Covid-19 pandemic data and government agency contacts. The president-elect’s Covid-19 task force has been trying to work around the federal government by connecting with governors and the health community.
The head of Operation Warp Speed, Moncef Slaoui, called on the White House to allow contact with the Biden team, saying “It is a matter of life and death for thousands of people.”
White House’s Office of Management and Budget is considering 145 new regulations and other policy changes they could enact before Biden’s inauguration - rules that will be challenging to undo once they are finalized. Critics and supporters of the administration say they expect a final burst of regulations to be finalized in the weeks before Jan. 20.
The rules under development include policies that the incoming Biden administration would probably oppose, such as new caps on the length of foreign student visas; restrictions on the Environmental Protection Agency’s use of scientific research; limits on the EPA’s consideration of the benefits of regulating air pollutants; and a change that would make it easier for companies to treat workers as independent contractors, rather than employees with more robust wage protections.
Last week, both Secretary of State Mike Pompeo and White House trade adviser Peter Navarro said they’re preparing for a second Trump term. “There will be a smooth transition to a second Trump administration,” Pompeo said during a news conference Tuesday afternoon (clip). Pompeo then doubled down on Fox News (clip). “We are moving forward here at the White House under the assumption there will be a second Trump term,” Navarro said on Fox Business Friday (clip).
DOJ interference
Attorney General William Barr stopped career prosecutors in DOJ’s Public Integrity Section from investigating whether President Trump broke any laws related to his conduct with Ukraine last year. The section was initially given the green light to pursue “a potentially explosive inquiry” into Trump, but after the Senate acquitted the president during impeachment proceedings, Barr sent the case to the U.S. attorney’s office in Brooklyn. Prosecutors in DOJ’s Public Integrity Section were also prevented from bringing charges against former interior secretary Ryan Zinke by political appointees atop the Justice Department. Deputy Attorney General Jeffrey Rosen told prosecutors that they needed to gather more evidence and refine the case against Zinke for lying to Interior investigators.
The investigation into Zinke stemmed from his decision to block two Native American tribes—the Mashantucket Pequot and Mohegan—from opening a casino in Connecticut. Zinke’s office had been lobbied heavily by MGM Resorts International, which had been planning to open its own casino very close to where the tribes intended to break ground.
Sixteen assistant U.S. attorneys specially assigned to monitor malfeasance in the 2020 election urged Barr on Friday to rescind his memo allowing election-fraud investigations before results are certified. "It was developed and announced without consulting non-partisan career professionals in the field and at the Department. Finally, the timing of the Memorandum's release thrusts career prosecutors into partisan politics," the prosecutors wrote. An internal Justice Department investigation found that federal prosecutors who oversaw a controversial non-prosecution deal with Jeffrey Epstein in 2008 exercised “poor judgment” but did not break the law. “They just say he used poor judgment, and that's their way of basically letting everyone off the hook while offering some sort of an olive branch to the victims that we acknowledge weren't treated perfectly,” said Brad Edwards, who sued the DOJ in 2008 on behalf of Epstein accusers.
Immigration news
Eastern District of New York Judge Nicholas Garaufis (Clinton-appointee) ruled that Chad Wolf was not legally serving as acting Homeland Security secretary when he signed rules limiting DACA program applications and renewals. Therefore, in a win for Dreamers and immigration activists, Garaufis said the changes were invalid.
The judge described an illegitimate shuffling of leadership chairs at the Department of Homeland Security, the agency responsible for immigration enforcement, for the predicament of Wolf's leadership and that of his predecessor, Kevin McAleenan. "Based on the plain text of the operative order of succession," Garaufis wrote in the Saturday ruling, "neither Mr. McAleenan nor, in turn, Mr. Wolf, possessed statutory authority to serve as Acting Secretary. Therefore the Wolf Memorandum was not an exercise of legal authority."
There's a renewed push to get Chad Wolf confirmed as Homeland Security secretary -- a position in which he's been serving in an acting capacity for a yearr -- before Inauguration Day. In the past week, Homeland Security officials spoke to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell's office about bringing the nomination to a floor vote in the coming weeks.
Within the last six months, as the coronavirus pandemic gripped the US, the Trump administration filed 75 lawsuits to seize private land along the US-Mexico border for the border wall." People right now are having to choose between their health and their homes," said Ricky Garza, a staff attorney at the Texas Civil Rights Project, a legal advocacy group. After a series of price increases, Trump’s border project will cost taxpayers $20 million per mile of border fence. A review of federal spending data shows more than 200 contract modifications, at times awarded within just weeks or months after the original contracts, have increased the cost of the border wall project by billions of dollars since late 2017. DHS has expelled unaccompanied immigrant children from the US border more than 13,000 times since March,using the coronavirus as an excuse to deny children their right to asylum. Previously, unaccompanied children were sent to government-run shelters as they attempted to pursue their asylum cases. Migrant children from Central America are being expelled to Mexico, where they have no family connections. The expulsions not only put children in danger - the policy violates a diplomatic agreement with Mexico that only Mexican children and others who had adult supervision could be pushed back into Mexico after attempting to cross the border. The House Judiciary Committee released a report on the Trump administration’s policy of separating families at the border, revealing that the federal agency that cares for migrant children was not told about the policy. The chaos contributed to the inability to later reunite parents and children. The Trump administration is trying to deport several women who allege they were mistreated by a Georgia gynecologist at an immigration detention center. Hours after one detained woman spoke to federal investigators about forced hysterectomies at a Georgia detention center, she said ICE told her that it had lifted a hold on her deportation and she faced “imminent” removal. Six former patients who complained about Dr. Mahendra Amin had already been deported. Northern District of Illinois Judge Gary Feinerman (Obama-appointee) blocked a key Trump administration policy that allowed officials to deny green cards to immigrants who might need public assistance Advocates who had feared that the policy would harm tens of thousands of poor people, particularly those affected by widespread job loss because of the coronavirus pandemic.
Miscellaneous
Microsoft said it has detected attempts by state-backed Russian and North Korean hackers to steal valuable data from leading pharmaceutical companies and vaccine researchers. “Among the targets, the majority are vaccine makers that have COVID-19 vaccines in various stages of clinical trials.” Two census takers told The AP that their supervisors pressured them to enter false information into a computer system about homes they had not visited so they could close cases during the waning days of the once-a-decade national headcount. The Supreme Court on Tuesday signaled it’s unlikely to tear down Obamacare over a Republican-backed lawsuit challenging the landmark health care law. Chief Justice John Roberts and Trump appointee Justice Brett Kavanaugh strongly questioned whether the elimination of the mandate penalty made the rest of the law invalid. Kavanaugh appeared to signal on several occasions that he favored leaving the rest of the law intact if the mandate is struck. Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton (R) was sued last week by four whistleblowers claiming that he abused his office to benefit himself, a woman with whom he was said to have had an affair, and the wealthy donor who employs her before retaliating against the members of his staff who reported him to the FBI. The Trump administration is rushing plans to auction drilling rights in the U.S. Arctic National Wildlife Refuge before the inauguration of Biden, who has vowed to block oil exploration in the rugged Alaska wilderness. Biden’s efforts could be complicated if the Trump administration sells drilling rights first. Formally issued oil and gas leases on federal land are government contracts that can’t be easily yanked.
Here is a Market Recap for today Friday, November 20, 2020. Please enjoy!
PsychoMarket Recap - Friday, November 20, 2020 Stocks fell Friday with market participants concerned at the lack of fiscal stimulus and the surge in coronavirus the last three weeks will make states reimpose restrictions that threaten to stall business activity in an already tenuous economy. An apparent dispute between the US Treasury and the Federal Reserve also weighed on the minds of market participants. In Washington, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) said during a press conference that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnel (R-KY) agreed to pick back up stimulus negotiations. However, given the tenuous political situation surrounding the presidential election and the gridlock that exists in the Senate (majority for the Senate is still undecided), it is highly unlikely that any form of stimulus is passed. For months, Congress and the White House went back and forth regarding stimulus but were unable to come to an agreement. In our opinion, it is highly unlikely that additional fiscal stimulus is granted until the presidential and senate elections are resolved conclusively. Unfortunately, the surge in coronavirus cases shows no signs of slowing down. Yesterday, the US once again set another record high for new infections, hospitalizations. According to data compiled by Johns Hopkins University, there were 187,800 new cases. That’s up 27% compared to last week and by far the most since the pandemic began. Data is trending in the wrong direction, with 44 out of 50 states reporting a 10% increase in new cases compared to last week. According to the COVID Tracking Project, there are around 80,700 people hospitalized with coronavirus in the US, also a new record. That’s an increase of 19.13% compared to last week. Saddest of all, there were more than 2,000 deaths due to the virus yesterday, the highest number since early May, according to Johns Hopkins University. In an effort to combat the surge in cases, governors from both sides of the aisle have announced a variety of new restrictions. California’s governor Gavin Newsom announced that the state is “pulling the emergency brake” on reopening and reinstated broad restrictions throughout the state. In Iowa, Republican Governor Kim Reynolds, who once dismissed coronavirus restrictions as "feel-good" measures, has abruptly reversed course, issuing the state's first mask mandate and limiting indoor gatherings. Illinois, Michigan, and New Jersey announced additional restrictions that limit gatherings to household members. Indoor event spaces are also being ordered to shut-down or move outdoors. In Massachusetts, the governor announced a stay-at-home advisory. Mississippi, Montana, North Dakota are under state-wide mask mandate. These are just some of the examples, there are too many examples to list. Despite the positive vaccine news from companies like Pfizer (PFE) and Moderna (MRNA) it is important to note that it takes time to establish global distribution networks. Widespread availability of a vaccine likely won’t happen until 2021, according to the estimates of experts. In the short-term, the surge in coronavirus cases and the fear of new restriction is driving volatility. Highlights
Had a great day, closed out our BABA alert for 100% this morning.
Pfizer and BioNTech have formally submitted a request for emergency use authorization for their vaccine to the Food and Drug Administration (FDA). It is now up to the FDA to decide whether the vaccine is safe enough for distribution.
Sports betting and online gaming could eventually become a $40 billion business as more people take to their phones to wager on their favorite sports teams and play online casino and fantasy games, according to one analyst at Piper Sandler. We agree.
General Electric Co.'s healthcare business didn't disclose financial terms of the deal agreement to buy the company, called Prismatic Sensors AB. GE Healthcare said Friday it is buying a Swedish start-up that focuses on photon counting detectors.
William-Sonoma (WSM) with two very bullish target increases. Stock currently around $101.
Wedbush from $115 to $130
Barclays from $112 to $144 (wow)
Workday (WDAY) target raised by Piper Sandler from $275 to $285 OUTPEPRFORM.
(UBER) target raised by Needham & Co. from $50 to $60 at BUY. Stock currently around $49.
uniQure (QURE) target rasied by Credit Suisse from $76 to $78 OUTPERFORM. Stock currently around $46 so very bullish.
OneWater Marine (ONEW) target raised by Raymond James from $24 to $26 OUTPERFORM. Sotck currently around $22.5
Mesoblast (MESO) target raise by HC Wainwright from $19 to $20. Stock currently around $12 so very bullish.
Intuit (INTU) with too many target increases to list each one. Average price target around $420 with rating of OUTPERFORM. Stock around $360 currently.
GrowGeneration (GRWG) target raised by Oppenheimer from $25 to $40. We love this stock and have been posting consistently about it the past 2-3 weeks.
Fiverr Int (FVR) target raised by Needham & Co. from $180 to $210. Stock currently around $180.
Canadian Solar (CSIQ) with two bullish target increases. Stock currently around $37.
Oppenheimer from $33 to $48
Roth Capital from $32 to $50.
Berry Global Group (BERY) target raised by Deutsche Bank (DB) from $62 to $70. Stock currently around $55 so very bullish.
Agios Pharma (AGIO) target raised by Barclays from $46 to $50. Stock currently around $41.
Hello my degenerate golf friends! I've been searching the subreddit but can't find juicy deatails so...... I am getting married next year and id love to have my bachelor party at a stay and play Michigan. I'm from Ohio and would love to play the great courses up north, but unfortunately it's too much to ask all the guys id like to share the experience with. I was wondering if any of you would be so kind to give me some advice/recommendations to stay and plays more towards the Ohio border. Thanks all! Edit. Forgot to add, a casino nearby would be a very big plus!
Here is a Market Recap for today Friday, November 20, 2020. Please enjoy!
PsychoMarket Recap - Friday, November 20, 2020 Stocks fell Friday with market participants concerned at the lack of fiscal stimulus and the surge in coronavirus the last three weeks will make states reimpose restrictions that threaten to stall business activity in an already tenuous economy. An apparent dispute between the US Treasury and the Federal Reserve also weighed on the minds of market participants. In Washington, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) said during a press conference that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnel (R-KY) agreed to pick back up stimulus negotiations. However, given the tenuous political situation surrounding the presidential election and the gridlock that exists in the Senate (majority for the Senate is still undecided), it is highly unlikely that any form of stimulus is passed. For months, Congress and the White House went back and forth regarding stimulus but were unable to come to an agreement. In our opinion, it is highly unlikely that additional fiscal stimulus is granted until the presidential and senate elections are resolved conclusively. Unfortunately, the surge in coronavirus cases shows no signs of slowing down. Yesterday, the US once again set another record high for new infections, hospitalizations. According to data compiled by Johns Hopkins University, there were 187,800 new cases. That’s up 27% compared to last week and by far the most since the pandemic began. Data is trending in the wrong direction, with 44 out of 50 states reporting a 10% increase in new cases compared to last week. According to the COVID Tracking Project, there are around 80,700 people hospitalized with coronavirus in the US, also a new record. That’s an increase of 19.13% compared to last week. Saddest of all, there were more than 2,000 deaths due to the virus yesterday, the highest number since early May, according to Johns Hopkins University. In an effort to combat the surge in cases, governors from both sides of the aisle have announced a variety of new restrictions. California’s governor Gavin Newsom announced that the state is “pulling the emergency brake” on reopening and reinstated broad restrictions throughout the state. In Iowa, Republican Governor Kim Reynolds, who once dismissed coronavirus restrictions as "feel-good" measures, has abruptly reversed course, issuing the state's first mask mandate and limiting indoor gatherings. Illinois, Michigan, and New Jersey announced additional restrictions that limit gatherings to household members. Indoor event spaces are also being ordered to shut-down or move outdoors. In Massachusetts, the governor announced a stay-at-home advisory. Mississippi, Montana, North Dakota are under state-wide mask mandate. These are just some of the examples, there are too many examples to list. Despite the positive vaccine news from companies like Pfizer (PFE) and Moderna (MRNA) it is important to note that it takes time to establish global distribution networks. Widespread availability of a vaccine likely won’t happen until 2021, according to the estimates of experts. In the short-term, the surge in coronavirus cases and the fear of new restriction is driving volatility. Highlights
Had a great day, closed out our BABA alert for 100% this morning.
Pfizer and BioNTech have formally submitted a request for emergency use authorization for their vaccine to the Food and Drug Administration (FDA). It is now up to the FDA to decide whether the vaccine is safe enough for distribution.
Sports betting and online gaming could eventually become a $40 billion business as more people take to their phones to wager on their favorite sports teams and play online casino and fantasy games, according to one analyst at Piper Sandler. We agree.
General Electric Co.'s healthcare business didn't disclose financial terms of the deal agreement to buy the company, called Prismatic Sensors AB. GE Healthcare said Friday it is buying a Swedish start-up that focuses on photon counting detectors.
William-Sonoma (WSM) with two very bullish target increases. Stock currently around $101.
Wedbush from $115 to $130
Barclays from $112 to $144 (wow)
Workday (WDAY) target raised by Piper Sandler from $275 to $285 OUTPEPRFORM.
(UBER) target raised by Needham & Co. from $50 to $60 at BUY. Stock currently around $49.
uniQure (QURE) target rasied by Credit Suisse from $76 to $78 OUTPERFORM. Stock currently around $46 so very bullish.
OneWater Marine (ONEW) target raised by Raymond James from $24 to $26 OUTPERFORM. Sotck currently around $22.5
Mesoblast (MESO) target raise by HC Wainwright from $19 to $20. Stock currently around $12 so very bullish.
Intuit (INTU) with too many target increases to list each one. Average price target around $420 with rating of OUTPERFORM. Stock around $360 currently.
GrowGeneration (GRWG) target raised by Oppenheimer from $25 to $40. We love this stock and have been posting consistently about it the past 2-3 weeks.
Fiverr Int (FVR) target raised by Needham & Co. from $180 to $210. Stock currently around $180.
Canadian Solar (CSIQ) with two bullish target increases. Stock currently around $37.
Oppenheimer from $33 to $48
Roth Capital from $32 to $50.
Berry Global Group (BERY) target raised by Deutsche Bank (DB) from $62 to $70. Stock currently around $55 so very bullish.
Agios Pharma (AGIO) target raised by Barclays from $46 to $50. Stock currently around $41.
Name: Jacklyn Anderson Blazkowicz Aliases: Kelly Maxwell, Slayer, Slasher Birthdate: November 19, 2016 Age: 18 Birthplace: Las Vegas, Nevada Theme
"Violence solves everything, every time." -Jacklyn.
Personality: Jacklyn is a very carefree adrenaline junkie. She’s extremely snarky and usually doesn’t care whose feelings she hurts. However, when she has a job to do, she can become extremely focused and almost unstoppable in the face of her goal. Despite her callousness, Jacklyn can be compassionate to people she is close to and will do almost anything for them.
Sexuality: Bisexual
Relationship Status: Single?
Hobbies: Playing games, watching movies, playing/listening to music, fighting/sparring, cooking/baking.
Height: 5’4” (1.63 m) Weight: ~125 lb (~56.7 kg) Skin Tone: Pale White Eye Color: Brown, Electric Purple (Right Eye, Contact Lens), Storm Grey (Left Eye, Contact Lens)
Hair: White, swept to the left, messy
Description: Jacklyn is fairly skinny and lean, with a smaller bust and somewhat wide hips. She usually has a mildly amused expression on her face.
Notable Features: Jacklyn’s ears have been surgically pointed, giving her a slightly more unnatural appearance. She also has tattoos of dragons snaking around her right arm (and the remains of her left arm), with their open maws parallel to the webbing between her thumb and index finger.
Notes: Her left forearm/hand is missing from below the elbow down, replaced by a wooden arm that doesn’t move. The hand can be detached and replaced with a blade, which was created after melting down her left gauntlet.
Equipment
Apparel: Jacklyn wears a black and pink motorcycle jacket over a dark grey and white Japanese-style school uniform with an exposed midriff and a white scarf/necktie. She wears a belt over the pleated skirt that has pouches attached to it. She wears black thigh-highs with garters, and black, high, leather, platform motorcycle boots, bringing Jacklyn to 5’7” (1.70 m). Jacklyn also wears a black leather collar around her neck. She has a small black bag slung across her back with a crowbar secured to it. She has a pistol holster (empty) under her jacket’s left underarm and a knife sheath strapped to her right thigh. Around her neck is a chain with a pair of dog tags, as well as a necklace with a pendant in the shape of half of a heart.
Weapons:
Hand Blade - A foot-long blade that can be used to replace a prosthetic hand. Available in celestial bronze or tempered steel.
Clawed Gauntlet - A celestial bronze gauntlet with sharpened claws designed for tearing through enemies.
Knife - A Buck 120 knife. A gift.
Crowbar - A piece of black, curved metal.
Sledgehammer - A large hammer designed for heavy blows. The head has been dipped in celestial bronze.
Collapsible Batons - A pair of high-quality metal collapsible batons.
Powers/Skills
Godly Powers
Passive: Combat/Weapon Expertise - Jacklyn can easily understand how to use and become proficient with any weapon in a short period of time.
Unique: Ability to Summon a Weapon - Jacklyn can summon a pair of celestial bronze gauntlets that automatically wrap around her hand(s), where the fingertips are sharpened to make it easier to grab an enemy and deal damage.
Ability to Disarm Opponents - Jacklyn can loosen her opponent’s grip on their weapon, making an opening for Jacklyn to either knock it out of their hand or snatch it.
Physically Enhanced - Jacklyn’s body is built to take and deal punishment, all while having high stamina and flexibility to dodge and weave around any fight.
Skills
Punch and Reave - Growing up fighting people on the streets has taught Jacklyn various things about fighting dirty and using nearly anything as a weapon.
Urban Evasion - Jacklyn is adept at navigating herself through the air, allowing her to travel somewhat vertically by using her environment, as well as allowing her to mitigate some of the impact when landing.
Stealth Girl - Late nights performing reconnaissance on rival gangs has conditioned Jacklyn to be able to sneak around and be nearly undetectable, as well as resist the effects of exhaustion.
Quick Fix - Jacklyn’s nimble fingers allow her to dress various wounds in the heat of combat which will help people get back into the fight, but not as a lasting treatment.
Backstory
Jacklyn was born to a single mother in Las Vegas, Nevada. Her mother, Nora Anderson, was an ex-soldier who was working in private security in a casino who met the war god Ares after settling an altercation. They dated for a period of time in which Jacklyn was conceived, and shortly after, Ares revealed who he was to Nora and what Jacklyn was. Ares informed Nora of a camp that Jacklyn was to be sent to once she was old enough, before leaving Nora to care for the then-unborn Jacklyn. Months later, knowing Vegas was no place to raise a child, Nora took Jacklyn and moved to Austin, Texas, where Jacklyn grew up.
Jacklyn’s childhood was incredibly average, where she made a few friends and attended public school. Despite her mother’s background, Jacklyn never had much respect for authority. At school, she would always challenge her teachers and any of the other students that dared stand in her way. This led to a slew of detentions, suspensions, and the occasional expulsion, which caused tension between Jacklyn and her mother. When Jacklyn was around ten years old, her mother decided that they were ready to accept another person into their family, someone for Jacklyn to help care for and hopefully become less oppositional because of it. They adopted a seven-year-old girl named Maxine, who Jacklyn immediately felt a bond with.
Jacklyn began to behave a little better after this, wanting to be a better example for her new sister. However, this did not necessarily mean she was well-behaved; her delinquency was less frequent but just as intense. Her continued rebelliousness escalated tensions at home, particularly with her mother. Despite this, not all of Jacklyn’s actions were purely selfish or to spite any perceived authority. She would make it a point to threaten anyone that would bully, harass, or otherwise bother her little sister, and she would occasionally follow-up with these threats. Jacklyn’s overprotectiveness helped strengthen the bond with her sister, leading to them becoming very close.
Jacklyn shared almost everything she enjoyed with her sister, and this made it considerably more painful when she left. At age fifteen, Jacklyn left home, finding herself dissatisfied with falling grades she didn’t care about, constant reprimands for her behavior, and general lack of action where she lived. Over the course of a month, Jacklyn traveled north, hitchhiking and sneaking onto trains and other large vehicles. She eventually found herself in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she lived on the streets for a few weeks.
Life on the streets was difficult, where Jacklyn had to constantly evade the police and find ways to make or steal money. What didn’t help was the constant threat of these various creatures that no-one else seemed to see. During an altercation with one of these creatures, Jacklyn accidentally summoned a pair of clawed celestial bronze gauntlets which she used to kill the creature. As the creature disintegrated, she collected one of the teeth, which could be identified as a hellhound tooth. One night, Jacklyn crossed paths with a young woman only four years older than her named Suzie who could also see the monsters.
Suzie was a college freshman with a feeling of restlessness she couldn’t seem to shake. She eventually invited Jacklyn to help form a gang, to give Suzie some form of purpose and to get Jacklyn off of the streets. Jacklyn accepted and met two of Suzie’s friends: Martin and Floyd. Martin had familial connections with a larger criminal syndicate and was desperate to strike out on his own; Floyd was an enigma, only known to be a discharged soldier just looking for an enemy to fight. Jacklyn, Suzie, and Floyd, led by Martin, formed a small gang known as the Saints. Other names were considered, but the name was agreed upon after several discussions and originated from one of Jacklyn’s favorite games.
Jacklyn’s first mission as a “Saint” was a simple stick-up at a convenience store where Jacklyn’s gun was loaded with blanks. However, this went south quickly as a few members of a rival gang arrived to collect protection money. Jacklyn barely escaped from the fight, only suffering a single bullet wound in the shoulder and a twisted ankle. Following this incident, Suzie helped Jacklyn recover and Floyd taught her basic medical skills to help treat injuries in the middle of combat. Jacklyn then received combat training to avoid a repeat of this incident.
Over the next two years, the Saints’ influence grew, as did its membership. Jacklyn grew more experienced with every new “mission” and got closer personally to the other founding members, Suzie in particular. Being Jacklyn’s first friend in Grand Rapids, Suzie was always different from the others in Jacklyn’s eyes. Jacklyn began to develop feelings towards her and eventually confessed. Luckily, Suzie reciprocated her feelings and the two became official. This closer relationship finally gave Jacklyn someone she felt comfortable being vulnerable around, the first one since her little sister. After a street brawl was interrupted by a manticore targeting Jacklyn, Jacklyn had her left forearm bitten off. Barely killing the monster, Jacklyn refused to see anyone besides Suzie while she recovered.
Months later, Jacklyn was ready to go out again and support the Saints. She received a wooden arm as a “welcome back” present, and found herself back on the “front lines”. However, Suzie being the only one Jacklyn ever interacted with caused some tension in their relationship, as well as some mistakes Jacklyn made during missions. Eventually, the tension rose enough for Jacklyn and Suzie to have a huge argument before a mission, which ended with Suzie expressing her desire to end the relationship.
The mission itself went decently well until a rival gang ambushed the Saints. During the resulting chaos, a distraught Jacklyn snuck back to the Saints headquarters and packed some of her things. Without leaving a note, she took her car and left. She found herself wandering, but felt something drawing her east. During her travels, she met a kid named Riley who accompanied her until they arrived at Camp Half-Blood.
A gunmetal gray Mustang drives down a back road in Long Island.
“Kel-ly, I have to go!” a young redhead whines to the driver.
The white-haired driver grits her teeth and clenches her hand on the wheel. “For fuck’s sake! Why the hell didn’t you go before we left!?”
“Buuut I didn’t have to go then.”
“Riley, I swear to fuck-” Jacklyn cuts herself off. “Count to four, inhale,” she mutters to herself, taking a breath.
Riley begins inhaling loudly, all the while squirming in their seat.
Jacklyn glares at Riley. “Riley, I am going to fucking kick you out of this car so hard that it’ll make Hereditary look like the damn Teletubbies!”
“Kale, PLEASE!!!” Riley gives Jacklyn a pleading look. “There are some trees right there.”
“Fine!” Jacklyn yells, exasperated. “You’re lucky I don’t want your piss on my seats-” She pauses, looking at something in the distance. “Hey look, there’s someone out there. Maybe they know where a bathroom is.”
The car cruises to a stop next to the person. Jacklyn rolls down one of the car’s windows.
“Hey!” she says. “You know where a bathroom is? This dipshit needs to take a piss.” Felix was out on another one of his daily walks around the camp. This time, he decided to venture a little closer to the camp’s gate than usual. With his luck, there were probably going to be more new arrivals that were going to arrive at the camp any second now…
His musings were answered rather quickly when he hears someone call out to him from outside the camp gate.
“Um, are you talking to me?” he asks, pointing a finger to himself. But he was inside the gate! They shouldn’t have been able to see him! Unless… Felix quickly walks up to one of the camp gate’s posts and leans against it, watching the new arrivals closely.
“Shut the hell up!” Jacklyn snaps. She turns back to Felix. “Sorry about that.”
“A-ah, I see,” he stammers out. Well, he might as well help them out since they oh-so-conveniently showed up right in front of him. “Uh, who’s the person that needs to go?” he asks, trying to peer into the car. Well, it’s not like he could see much anyway.
“Me!” Riley frantically waves their hand.
“Them,” Jacklyn jerks her thumb towards Riley.
“Please! I really, really need to go!” Riley stares at Felix trying to project their shear desperation.
Felix blinks a little in surprise due to the kid’s, uh, desperation. He opens his mouth to start giving the young red-head some directions, but he stops himself. Well, let’s test out if they really are demi-gods or not. He flashes a brilliant smile at them. “Oh, could you come up here to the top of the hill? It’s a lot easier if I just showed you rather than told you,” he lies smoothly.
“Fine. Whatever,” Jacklyn responds. She begins to drive her car up the hill.
Felix dashes off to the side when he sees the other girl start to drive up the hill. Shit, I didn’t mean likethat! he thinks, slumping a little against one of the gate’s posts. He takes a breath and walks back over to where the car eventually stops.
“Okay, so now what?” Jacklyn asks.
“No time! Bathroom now!” Riley shouts.
“Don’t piss on my seats!” Jacklyn yells.
Felix strolls over to the redhead’s window, pointing off to the cabin area. “Okay, you see those cabins over there? The bathrooms are in that building on the path to the lake over there. Did you get that?”
“Yup!” Riley shouts as they practically dive out of the car, sprinting off in the direction of the arena.
“No!” Felix yells out after him. “The other way!” he says while pointing again. Well, there’s that mystery solved, he sighs internally.
“Thank you!!” Riley shouts before changing directions, leaving a dust cloud in their wake.
“Fuckin’ finally,” Jacklyn grumbles as she steps out of her car and begins to rummage in the backseat.
Felix turns to look at the girl that just stepped out of the car. He couldn’t see her before, due to the car’s tinted windows-- Wait. He quickly covers the sinister grin that was growing on his face with his hand. He couldn’t believe it. It was this girl again.
Caught in her thoughts, a white-haired girl collided with Felix. She turned quickly and looked down at the person she had knocked over.
“Shit, my bad,” she said as she offered a hand out to the boy. “Sorry ‘bout that.”
“It’s no problem, really,” Felix replied, taking her hand. “I just wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
“Nah,” the girl responded, pulling the boy up. “That was on me.” She quickly checked her watch. “Shit,” she muttered. “I gotta go. I’ll see you around.”
Jacklyn pauses, feeling somebody staring at her. She looks up at Felix. “What?” she asks. “What’s so funny?”
Felix gives her a warm smile. “Oh, nothing,” he replies as he walks over to her car. It’s her. It’s really her. I have to make her stay! She’ll be so useful again. “I was just admiring your car here,” he says as he drags his fingers delicately over the roof of the car. He then infuses the car with about as much bad luck as he could muster. Sure, he felt a little sorry for the kid that just ran off, but oh well. There were more important things at hand. “It’s pretty nice, where did you get it?” he asks casually, now leaning against the hood.
Fuckin’ weirdo, Jacklyn thinks to herself. “Watch the paint. It was a gift from my-” she cuts herself off. “Ex-girlfriend.” She looks wearily at the boy, knitting her eyebrows. “Have we met? You seem familiar.”
“No, I don’t think we have,” he lies smoothly. “I think I would have remembered someone as… interesting... as you.” Well, it was a good thing he had some experience at poker tables. He really didn’t want her to find out too quickly. Knowing what was likely going to happen next, he gets up and steps slightly away from the car.
“Uh-huh,” Jacklyn says, unimpressed. Suddenly, a loud bang! erupts from the hood of Jacklyn’s car. “Mother fucker!” Jacklyn shouts, dashing to the hood. As she pops open the hood, a pillar of black smoke billows out from the engine of the car.
“Son of a bitch!” Jacklyn yells, kicking the bumper of her car. “Stupid fucking piece of shit!”
Felix suppresses a giggle as he nonchalantly walks up to see the damage he caused. “Wow, that looks pretty bad,” he remarks. “Yeah, that might take a while to fix, huh? Well, lucky for you, there happens to be a few spare parts you could use for your car here in the camp!”
“Camp?” Jacklyn asks. “What camp?”
“You know,” he says, casually pointing a finger at the camp sign, which read “Camp Half-Blood”. “The one you just drove into?”
“Oh.” Jacklyn stared at the sign. “That camp.”
“Mhmm,” he hums in response, nodding his head. He looks off at the direction of the dining pavilion, coming up with an excuse to leave quickly. “Well, sorry to say this, but I promised I’d meet a friend over at the dining hall,” he says as he points and turns away. “Go ahead and ask around for directions if you get lost!” He then walks away, cackling silently to himself. Have fun, okay? he thinks as he glances back quickly. I know I will.
What a prick. Jacklyn slams her car’s hood shut. A camp, huh? she thought as she leaned against her car. She reaches into her bag and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. She lights one and brings it to her lips, taking a drag from it. As she blows out smoke, she surveys the camp before her.
Thank you Columbus! First time there and had a blast!! We will be back!
Hello, I'm from Detroit and had posted in the Bluejackets sub about recommendations for coming down to see a hockey game at Nationwide. I just wanted to say we had a blast this weekend in Columbus. After the Wings got smoked by Bluejackets we went to R-Bar for a few drinks. Saturday we had brunch at Northstar Cafe in Short North...awesome food! We explored a bit after, went to North Market (unfortunately we we weren't hungry, so we came back Sunday). I even wore a Michigan quarter zip and nobody gave me any dirty looks, but its also not football season, and Michigan can't win to save our lives against OSU..so that probably helps. We had coffee at German Village Coffee Shop...then we hit up Hollywood Casino for a bit Saturday afternoon and broke even, so that's a win. SMOKE FREE! The casinos in Detroit smell so bad like cig smoke! We went to Wolf's Ridge Brewing...great beer, and then for dinner we went to Arch City Brewery. I had the Nashville Hot Chicken Sandwich....amazing...and the crack fries were awesome! Elvis Juice was legit. Ended the night at BrewDog for one more beer. Sunday we went back to North Market for breakfast and then drove around trying to find *warm* Yingling to take back home. But everything was already cold, so we still bought some...just not as much. Lots of similarities with Columbus and Detroit. Makes me want better things for Downtown Detroit! Thanks so much for a great weekend! It was awesome!!!
Album of the Year #20: Lil B - The Hunchback of BasedGod
(Note: This review exceeds Reddit’s 40,000 character limit for text posts so three additional comments are posted in this thread with the rest of the review. Sorting comments by “old” will bring them up for you in order.)
EPISODE I: THE HUNCHED BACK MENACE
Welcome to Old BasedWorld Hurried crowds, sparse synths and ringing cathedral bells in the streets of Old BasedWorld set the scene for our journey. High above the town in the Old BasedWorld Cathedral, a young man with a hunched back dreams of a brighter tomorrow.
Staring Out My Window “The only way you could really feel this pain is from the BasedGod” – From this opening line along with the somber instrumental accompanying it Lil B makes it clear that this project will be different from the hyphy material he’d been releasing since Black Ken. The BasedGod’s stirring musical backdrop allows Brandon to reminisce on the times he spent as a troubled youth staring out the windows of Old BasedWorld’s Cathedral (as pictured on the album cover), dreaming of a normal life with the rest of the citizens across the bridge in San Francisco New BasedWorld.
The Many Sides of a Genius Using a compilation of voicemails taken directly from Old BasedWorld’s only working phone, Lil B uses these messages to convey his own message. The people leaving these voicemails were clearly important people in Brandon’s life and, one could say, are some of the “sides of genius” that helped him develop into the man he is today. It continues the album’s narrative of a brilliant soul whose talent and ambition are unnoticed by the outside world, with only those who are closest to him recognizing the genius within.
Ain’t Gon Pick Up One of the people leaving a voicemail on “The Many Sides of a Genius” mentioned how Lil B never picks up his phone, so it’s only appropriate that the next song has B discussing why he chooses not to answer the phone in Old BasedWorld’s Cathedral. It also ties back in to the theme of unrecognized talent, with Brandon stating in the chorus “I ain’t gon pick up, nobody gives a fuck so I don’t give a fuck”. References to stomach pains and Crohn’s disease further highlight how B is feeling “sick to [his] stomach” of being disrespected: by the end of the song, the listener fully understands why Lil B wouldn’t be interested in picking up his phone.
Hunchback of BasedGod One of the album’s great conceptual triumphs. Lil B states from the jump that this song is meant to be a set of instructions for the Hunchback of BasedGod for his eventual descent from his perch back into the town of Old BasedWorld and beyond. It’s still unclear whether or not Lil B himself is the Hunchback, the BasedGod, the Hunchback of BasedGod, or none of the above: the abstractness allows the listener to form their own perceptions and create their own story. Again, there’s a continuation of themes from the previous songs, with further references to stomach pains and issues of self-worth and meaninglessness coming from Lil B: with so much pain in this world, is it even worth it for the Hunchback to enter society? By the end of the song, Brandon affirms that it is, stating, “Do it and don’t just watch/ Step in the game and have fun/ We all townspeople, we one/”. As such, the Hunchback leaves the cathedral, passing through the cobblestone streets of Old BasedWorld while hushed onlookers stare silently, as he ventures out towards New BasedWorld.
Berkeley San Francisco Its the BasedGod This song is delivered from the perspective of the Hunchback, as revealed in the first line of the first verse: “I got the hunched back from all the depression”. Themes of struggle from the previous tracks reemerge, but you get the sense that the Hunchback is beginning to build up his self-esteem, boasting how he refuses to conform to the looks and expectations of the other townsfolk. He also seems to have gotten past the lack of recognition that was hindering him on “The Many Sides of a Genius” and “Ain’t Gon Pick Up”, as he proudly exclaims, “Who cares if I’m famous?” This gives the Hunchback the confidence to finally travel across the bridge he so often observed from his cathedral window. The townspeople are stunned: the Golden Gate BasedWorld Bridge had been badly damaged and decayed for decades, with no one daring to cross in the fears that it would collapse. But the Hunchback’s persistence leads him to make it across unscathed.
Outer Mission Music With his feet firmly set in New BasedWorld, the Hunchback visits the colony of Outer Mission, a tight-knit community of New BasedWorld inhabitants who are unsure of how to react to their visitor. Lil B spends much of this track describing his interactions with the colony’s locals, which include Justin Timberlake, Alex Rodriguez, and Lionel Messi as tribe members. He also manages to make the situation surrounding the identities of his disparate personalities even more confusing, stating, “Lil B, I’ve seen him in public/ Is that the Hunchback of BasedGod, or is that the BasedGod? It’s BasedGod/” Will we ever know the difference?
Wake Up Get High Go Back to Sleep In spite of a renewed sense of confidence brought upon by his decision to leave his old life behind, not all is perfect in the Hunchback’s mind. On this joint (pun intended) he harkens back to his days in the cathedral, where he would spend his mornings smoking heavy doses of marijuana in order to numb the pain of his seclusion, often to the point of losing consciousness. It’s also worth noting that the only weed that grows naturally in Old BasedWorld is mids, so the Hunchback would need to smoke a significant amount to achieve the desired effect.
Video Game That I Still Play The irony in the title of this song is that the “video game” the BasedGod is referencing here is in fact a metaphor for his own life’s journey. As he so aptly states during the chorus: “My life is like a video game/ It’s been so weird, but I still play”. The fact of the matter is, Lil B could have chosen to rage quit this game of life long ago, but his perseverance has brought him to a new place of inner peace within the confines of New BasedWorld, even if the townsfolk are still unsure of how to respond to their new neighbor.
I Rather Die Then Go Home At the end of the previous song, the Hunchback makes reference to an incident where he visited the Café Au Coquelet, a boutique restaurant in New BasedWorld. Upon his arrival, he received a similar reaction to those he used to receive in his homeland: “I go to restaurants, people stop smiling”. While some of the townspeople have begun to appreciate his presence, many of the other New BasedWorld residents still recognize his outsider status and continue to shun him as a result. This song is B’s response, with a firm affirmation that he would rather die than have to go back to the life of isolation he led in the Old BasedWorld Cathedral, where he wasn’t really living life to begin with. That said, the song’s mistitling of based comrade The-Dream’s original line of “I’d rather die than go home” as “I rather die then go home” leaves the Hunchback’s true intentions up for interpretation.
Crying in the Club After finishing a five-course meal at the boutique, B ventures out to the party district of New BasedWorld, where he surprisingly gets admitted to one of the most exclusive night clubs in the land. As he observes the scene, the crushing reality of the differences between himself and the other clubgoers becomes apparent. A single tear is shed, followed by another, and another, until the BasedGod is in a state of full-blown emotional distress. In spite of his condition, he makes it known that he isn’t ashamed of wearing his heart on his sleeve, openly admitting in the chorus: “I don’t really care if I hurt myself, I don’t really care who sees”. This unyielding display of raw emotion brings the music and dancing to a halt. All eyes are now fixated on the strange being with the tear-stained T-shirt and the disfigured spine. He lets out a desperate plea: “I just want a hug…” To the surprise of the Hunchback, the residents of New BasedWorld collectively embrace him, looking past his outer deformities to recognize the beautiful soul that exists within. Historians would later acknowledge this moment as the primary catalyst for the BasedWorld Revolution™.
EPISODE II: THE COLD WARS
Voyage to Berkeley California Meanwhile, down in the town of Old BasedWorld, the townsfolk slept restlessly, their dreams invaded by shadowy fake based figures digging away at their souls. Every day, people would wake and stare at the Old BasedWorld Cathedral. Why was the Hunchback not ringing the bells that had kept the evil spirits of the fake based realm out of their lives? It was then they realized that the Hunchback had crossed the sacred bridge and ventured to New BasedWorld. Frantic to reconcile with the gatekeeper they had long taken for granted, a group of the townspeople decide to bravely seek out the BasedGod in the hopes that he will return. However, they recognize that crossing the BasedWorld Bridge is something no mortal man is capable of doing and living to tell the tale. Using a secret map rumored to have been drawn up by Captain 66 himself, a group of citizens board a modest ship to cross the San Francisco BasedWorld Bay on a warm summer’s eve. Will they survive? Only time will tell.
Across the Sea And here, ladies and gentlemen, we are presented with the greatest plot twist this side of the Fingerpoke of Doom: It turns out Lil B is not actually the Hunchback and/or the BasedGod after all.
Indeed, unbeknownst to the townspeople (who themselves had just assumed all three entities were combined as one person), Lil B has remained in BasedWorld all along in disguise. About halfway into their journey across the Bay, Lil B’s resentment towards his shipmates and their longing for the Hunchback’s return gets the best of him, and the violent persona exhibited on tracks like “Murder Rate” and “Domestic Violence Case” overtakes Lil B’s natural pacifist tendencies. In a fit of rage, he attacks them, “knocking them off the boat” into the shark-infested waters and keeping all of the remaining LifeVests to himself. B himself recognizes the consequences of his actions, ending the song by saying, “This darkness… It’s scary.” Nonetheless, he refuses to be stopped in his mission to visit New BasedWorld and confront the Hunchback all on his own.
Where Is the Potion Having arrived on the shores of New BasedWorld, Lil B ventures into town. Knowing that the only way to find the elusive Hunchback is through the townspeople who may have caught a glimpse of him, he travels to the aforementioned nightclub, with floors still drenched in the BasedGod’s tears from earlier, asking, “Where is the potion?” The response he’s given comes in the form of several bottles of liquor, which quickly dispel any notions of anxiety or self-doubt that may have stopped Lil B from completing his mission. A few of the club’s premium members willingly show him the spots around town where they had spotted the Hunchback, but any further clues of his whereabouts are hard to come by. Before they know it, they find themselves at one of the many riverbanks in New BasedWorld, where a celebration of the BasedGod’s glory is in full swing.
Riverdance This instrumental is what Lil B and the clubgoers heard as they made their way to the bank of the river. Speaking with more of the natives, Lil B learns more of the Hunchback’s travels and experiences in New BasedWorld and begins to put the pieces together in his mind for where the BasedGod may be headed next.
Wolves and Snakes As Lil B continues to plot his course, the BasedGod, who has just finished eating a salad on his way to the colony of Chaddick, senses a disturbance in the Based Force, feeling as though him and his hunched back may be in grave danger. He ponders on the wolves and the snakes that he was forced to deal with in his past life and reflects on the growth he’s experienced since leaving the dreaded, darkened halls of the Cathedral. In spite of this, he can’t help but shake the feeling that, like in the proverbial rear-view mirror, one of these wolves and/or snakes may be closer than they appear…
Meeting on UC Berkeley Campus Today Undeterred, the Hunchback makes his way to UC Berkeley, New BasedWorld’s sole institution of higher learning. After giving a spirited 90 minute lecture on the power of positivity (modeled after previous lectures at such high class institutions as NYU,Carnegie Mellon and Princeton), the BasedGod is greeted by a mass of adoring students at the university. The male students beg for the BasedGod to fuck their bitches, and said bitches are more than willing to oblige. In a grand spectacle, the Hunchback has consensual sex with all 1,000 of the college’s female attendees while this instrumental blares out of speakers across the campus, being awarded with a trophy as a result of his success.
Artistic or Autistic Elsewhere in New BasedWorld, Lil B attempts to strategize his next move. However, planning the escapade is made difficult thanks to B’s second most potent Internet distraction after his Twitter feed: Reddit. Going through a series of faked based comments on the hiphopheads subreddit, Lil B is particularly struck by a comment suggesting that he may in fact be suffering from the neurological disorder autism. The assertion is an eye-opening moment for him: after all, the elevated levels of lead found in Old BasedWorld’s drinking water had been a concern amongst the town’s scientists for years, and his own behaviors and thought patterns seemed to align relatively well with the common symptoms of the condition. After a brief moment of solemnity, Lil B realizes that his immaculate catalog of music has been made possible because of who he is, and if he is autistic, it is an essential component of his artistic output. This song is the result of this revelation.
Free 03 Our story continues as the BasedGod chooses to use his newfound fame and glory to give back to the New BasedWorld community. He begins volunteering at the New BasedWorld Penitentiary, espousing his worldview and giving advice to the inmates on how to make positive contributions to society after they have served their time. One particular inmate catches his eye: a fellow hip hop artist named 03 Greedo, who was arrested a few years earlier in a drug trafficking scheme. The Hunchback’s conversations with the young man have a profound impact on him, and in the weeks and months to come, Greedo becomes the model prisoner for other inmates to aspire to be, with intentions of joining the ministry upon his release. The BasedGod, proud of what he was able to accomplish, promises to dedicate a song on his new 50 song mixtape to Greedo.
Rhode Island Rhode Island, officially the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations, is a state in the New England region of the northeastern United States. It is the smallest U.S. state by area, the seventh least populous, but is also the second most densely populated. Rhode Island is bordered by Connecticut to the west, Massachusetts to the north and east, and the Atlantic Ocean to the south via Rhode Island Sound and Block Island Sound. It also shares a small maritime border with New York. Providence is the state capital and most populous city in Rhode Island.
As Rhode Island is located on the opposite side of the continent from Old and New BasedWorld, it has nothing to do with this story other than this brief mention of its existence.
I’m Depressed Again While the Hunchback is continuing to make great strides in improving the lives of the people in New BasedWorld, he continues to be fazed by an ever-growing sense of something troubling being on the horizon. A dark evil is emerging that he cannot foresee, and he worries that by the time he learns what this evil may be, it will be too late. This sends the BasedGod back into a spiraling depression, one not felt since the last day he had spent alone in the cathedral. He warns his closest confidants of the impending doom, saying, “Real talk… Feel it through your heart. Feel it through the spirit. You can feel it through the dark, cold as ever.”
Café Au Coquelet At the same time as the Hunchback is experiencing this sense of dread, Lil B has made his way to Café Au Coquelet, one of the first spots in New BasedWorld that was graced by the power and the glory of the BasedGod. Lil B immediately detects the Hunchback’s prior presence in the vicinity: all of the restaurant’s guests are acting unusually positive and based towards one another, and the only dish that anyone has ordered over the past week has been the clams casino. Lil B also recognizes that the music playing in the background of the restaurant (the instrumental that is this song) was created by the BasedGod. Enraged, he stands up on the restaurant tables and begins to lambast the townsfolk for having fallen for the lies and deceit of a false prophet. He dictates a new philosophy, beginning by disposing of the food everybody has already ordered and teaching them how to cook for themselves. Before long, the entire restaurant is cooking to “Like a Martian”. A growing sect of New BasedWorld begins to emerge in objection to the Hunchback’s teachings, with Lil B and the swag movement as their new leader.
Downtown Berkeley Protest Back in the colony of Berkeley, the BasedGod is gathering his followers together for a celebration of optimism and goodwill unto others. His new instrumental track plays as the Hunchback’s followers enjoy the festivities. It is at this moment that the BasedGod feels a searing pain encompass his entire being, and he recognizes that this is the moment he has been fearing for the past few weeks: the evil has arrived. A mass of residents from the other New BasedWorld colonies have descended upon the party with torches and handguns. Dressed in pink shirts, tiny pants and Vans sneakers, they march to the center of the crowd in unison, yelling nonsensical phrases such as “Figaro!” and “Martha Stewart!” as the frightened followers of the Hunchback look on. At the front of the mob is the leader, the enigmatic Lil B. He flashes a slight smile at the BasedGod, who stares directly back into the eyes of his former student. As the crowd of pretty residents begin to hurl insults and grievances towards the based residents, Lil B raises one hand, and the noise stops. Then, he begins to walk away. B’s worshipers follow him out of the city square in silent unison. Many of the Hunchback’s flock wonder if this is the end of the madness. However, the BasedGod knows deep down inside that this is just the beginning.
EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE BITCH
Bring the BasedGod and Lil B Gifts This is a Cold War, and we know what each side is fighting for. The New BasedWorld citizens have been divided into an even split, with half of the townsfolk (now calling themselves the “Task Force”) following the ways of the Hunchback and the other half (now calling themselves the “Bitch Mob”) committing themselves to the teachings of Lil B. In a frantic attempt to prove the superiority of one leader over the other, the townspeople begin to bestow luxurious gifts and rewards upon their idols in an attempt to make one appear more grandiose than the other. Lil B relishes in his newfound fame, gladly accepting a plethora of PlayStation 2 and Xbox 360 games from his fans, along with a fully registered copy of FL Studio to allow him to produce beats on the same level as the BasedGod. Meanwhile, on the other side of the village, the Hunchback seems uncomfortable embracing his new role as a worshipped deity. Having become accustomed to people ignoring him or being flat-out disgusted by his appearance, the adjustment to now becoming the leader of thousands of men is one that is not made easily.
Body Shaming The opposing sides of New BasedWorld’s population quickly transition from honoring their respective leaders to creating smear campaigns against the opposition. One of the Bitch Mob’s most talented computer hackers manages to secure nude photographs of the Hunchback and distribute them online, highlighting the embarrassing weight gain that the BasedGod has endured over the past 5 years. The Hunchback is at first distraught upon hearing the news: “Why are they body shaming me? Why would they say all these mean things?” It is only when the BasedGod taps into his creamy center, where all the gooey happy-lovin' goo sits that allows him to be the nicest, most compassionate person he’s ever been, that he’s able to let the world know that he will not fall down so easy. He releases this song on his MySpace as a rebuttal, saying, “There's no reason to bully people and make fun of folks”. The Task Force immediately lauds the song as the perfect response to the scandal, while the Bitch Mob lashes out at the lack of trap drums and celebrity-based adlibs.
Stopped Talkin’ But I Still Rap “So self-conscious, you feel me?”: Despite the approval of his comrades, the BasedGod is unable to shake the ever-persistent sense of self-hatred that is being exacerbated by the actions of the Bitch Mob. He feels his mind regressing to a prior state of fear and insecurity akin to that of his days spent in isolation in the Cathedral. Deep inside, the Hunchback finds himself in the midst of an existential crisis: how can one speak on the benefits of positivity and self-love when one does not truly love thyself? What would the consequences be of allowing this negativity to manifest itself in real time? Surely, an admission of hopelessness would spell defeat for the Task Force, allowing Lil B and his army of pretty townsfolk to rule the land for all eternity. But it would also be hypocritical for the BasedGod to continue to preach the Gospel of Based when his mind is not in a based state of being. In a move that would prove to be one of the most shocking of the Cold War, the Hunchback gathers his followers in the town square to announce that he will be taking an oath of silence until peace can be found between the two factions of New BasedWorld, capping off his decree with the debut of his ‘final’ song, “Stopped Talkin’ But I Still Rap”. The crowd gasps and devolves into hysteria, with thousands pleading for the Hunchback to reconsider, rightly worried over what would become of the based movement without the voice of its sole originator. But the BasedGod is persistent. He silently walks through the crowd, hugging each of his based brethren (and consensually face-fucking some of the females) before departing, possibly for good. Some time after midnight, he successfully crosses the Based Bridge and returns to Old BasedWorld, making his way back to the Cathedral without a single soul noticing his presence. He travels to the deepest, darkest depths of the Cathedral’s caverns, located miles beneath the Earth’s surface, where he begins an indefinite period of contemplation and meditation. This sequence of events would prove to be a milestone of the BasedWorld Revolution™, and would be forever immortalized in the cover art for the Where Did the Sun Go? mixtape.
Intermission It was a bad time for both Old and New BasedWorld. The Hunchback just stayed inside his Cathedral and he never came out. People said his brain was infected by fake based devils. The Task Force hurt the most of all: without their leader, they crumbled and succumbed to the will of the Bitch Mob. Lil B’s tyrannical rise to power was all but complete. In the months that followed, he would expand his territorial control, conquering the villages of Albany and East Oakland and even sending troops to claim regions of land as far away as Hawaii and Nepal.
Nearly a full year after the disappearance of the BasedGod, Lil B’s armies waged war on Old BasedWorld. The BasedWorld Bridge was destroyed, leaving Lil B and his followers (who controlled the naval fleets) as the only ones who had access to both sides of the territory. After taking most of its citizens hostage and establishing a new structure of government with Lil B at the helm, the Bitch Mob began to formulate its Ultimate Bitch Plan to capture the Hunchback. One night, they rushed the Old BasedWorld Cathedral, setting it ablaze and burning the once-iconic structure to the ground in the hopes of finding the charred body of the BasedGod buried underneath the rubble. When they failed to retrieve the body, the contingent of pretty boys and girls was ordered by Lil B to venture underground, as an ancient prophecy had foretold the Hunchback’s journey to the center of the Earth. Armed with assault rifles of all varieties, they began their descent into the depths of the caverns.
However, the deeper they traveled, the more they became disillusioned by their actions, and the actions of their once-beloved leader Lil B. They did not realize that the closer they got to the Hunchback, the more they were swayed by his righteousness and his way of being. Soon, they were no more than a few hundred yards from locating the BasedGod. It was at this moment that they had a great awakening, recognizing the error of their ways and freeing themselves from the spell that had been placed on them by Lil B. They abandoned their mission, instead choosing to return to the surface without the Hunchback. Lil B, furious at the group’s reluctance to complete their task, began to chastise his former followers, and prepared to issue one of his infamous curses upon them, one which would result in certain death. Having become completely overwhelmed with the guilt and the shame of their exploits as part of Lil B’s army (and also acknowledging the fact that none of them would ever win an NBA championship now without signing to Golden State), they instead turned the guns Lil B had given to them on themselves, committing mass suicide on top of the remains of the Old BasedWorld Cathedral. Thousands of Old BasedWorld onlookers stared in paralyzing shock as the sound of hundreds of guns discharged at once. What followed was several hours of silence, as Lil B, covered in the blood of his former troops, coldly stared at the mass of dead bodies, trying his best to process what had just taken place.
EPISODE IV: A NEW HO(PE)
The Waterfront West Berkeley at Night Meanwhile, on the other side of the Bay, most of the former Task Force members still remaining in New BasedWorld have all but accepted their fates, purchasing clothing that is too tight for them to wear comfortably and listening to the government-approved “Cooking Music” playlist on a constant loop. A small contingent of Hunchback loyalists remain, holding private meetings in the basement of the Café Au Coquelet and listening to the “Based Music” playlist in shrouded secrecy. Upon learning that Lil B and a commission of his troops had left to invade Old BasedWorld, the few remaining Task Force members felt it was safe enough to worship the Hunchback out in the open one last time. As most of the Bitch Mob members who had crossed the BasedWorld Bay with Lil B had come from the village of West Berkeley, the BasedGod’s loyal comrades choose the village’s Waterfront area as the gathering place for the ceremony. Unbeknownst to any of the group’s members, the mass suicides in Old BasedWorld were taking place at the exact same time as the celebration in New BasedWorld was commencing. The Task Force members rejoice, harmoniously singing the BasedGod’s favorite songs of worship: “B.O.R. (Birth of Rap)”, “The Age of Information” and “No Black Person Is Ugly” are belted out towards the heavens. Suddenly, the youngest of the Task Force’s members (who goes by the name of u/insabnma) feels a twinge underneath his bare feet. He looks down at the ground and notices that he has stepped on a golden USB drive, encrusted with diamonds and embroidered with the word “BASED” in all caps. The curious group of based boys and girls procure a laptop and, upon plugging the drive in, are amazed to find a .zip folder of 13 unreleased instrumentals credited as being produced by the BasedGod. Even more amazingly, the first song is entitled “The Waterfront West Berkeley at Night”: the exact place and time of day that they are performing their ritual. The Task Force members ecstatically listen to the new music, with several being driven to the point of involuntary orgasm. Throughout the night, word spreads throughout New BasedWorld of the drive’s existence, and suddenly, the followers of the Hunchback have a renewed sense of hope.
Games of Berkeley and Magic Cards The next evening, thousands of Task Force members, old and new, join together in the town square of Berkeley, the last place that the Hunchback was seen alive. A Task Force party has commenced, with various games being played and the Based Music playlist blasting from the colony’s speakers. As it is nearing midnight, the townspeople are each given a magic life card, rumored to be the same life cards that were discussed in the BasedGod’s legendary philosophical diatribe [“Life on Earth”](). At the stroke of 12, the second of the BasedGod’s 13 secret instrumentals is played, as the crowd enthusiastically chants “Thank You BasedGod” along to the beat. The expectation is that the Hunchback will hear their prayer and reemerge by the end of the song. However, this was not to be the case: the instrumental ends, with the BasedGod nowhere to be found. For a moment, the Task Force is disheartened, wondering if the signs pointing to a return of the Hunchback were too good to be true. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, a shooting star flies across the Berkeley sky, the brightest and most brilliant star that anyone in the colony has ever seen. It continues to arc across the northwestern skyline and appears to land in the village of Albany, a formerly based territory which has been overrun with members of the Bitch Mob. The Task Force is again filled with a renewed sense of hope at this discovery, as they courageously follow the signs that could lead them to the Hunchback’s holy ascension.
Walking Through Albany California Upon arriving in Albany, the Task Force members notice a contingent of Bitch Mob members huddled around a large crater, approximately one mile in diameter. Evidently, this is where the shooting star had landed. One of the senior members of the tribe is examining the star, which, contrary to its once large and brilliant appearance, has been reduced to the size of a small rock. Several Bitch Mob members now make their way into the crater to examine the fallen star. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, the once-dead star explodes into thousands of pieces, each piece shooting out towards the heads of a Bitch Mob member (though some less fortunate members wind up getting hit in the balls). When the star touches each member, it instantly uploads the third of the BasedGod’s secret instrumentals directly into their cerebral cortex. The Bitch Mob members are at first displeased at the lack of poorly mixed 808s and rattling hi-hats, but soon after, they begin to comprehend and enjoy the BasedGod’s alternative production style. Once the song has finished, they have all been converted into full-fledged comrades of the Task Force. The Berkeley delegation of Task Force welcomes their new brothers and sisters into the fold, and the group marches on to spread the word of the Hunchback’s return to the other villages.
The Sound of Being Bullied While this is all occurring in the BasedWorld territories, something else entirely is beginning to unfold in the far away kingdom of Detroit, Michigan. Teejay Witherspoon, the Bitch Mob’s certified rarest hacker, leans back in his chair and slyly grins. His successful exploitation of the BasedGod a year ago has proven to be a major turning point in the young man’s life. His notoriety has allowed him to start a rap career of his own, with several music videos on YouTube having gone viral throughout the past 12 months. His loyalty to the Bitch Mob has been unquestioned, and he has since been promoted to a senior position within the fold. As he clicks his way through a darkweb laundering scheme one evening, he leaves to take a shit and, upon returning to his computer, notices that a mysterious golden USB drive has been plugged into the laptop. Only one file exists on the drive: an audio file entitled “The Sound of Being Bullied.flac”. Teejay curiously loads the file into VLC, and the instant the song begins, he is assaulted with a rush of crushing despair and depression. The title of the song spoke for itself. Teejay is experiencing the totality of the Hunchback’s negative emotions that had been fueled by his prior actions, but even more intensely, and as the emotions begin to amplify, he next notices that his physical being is being affected as well. His body is shaking uncontrollably, his skin is beginning to peel, his eyes are popping out of his skull. After four minutes and seven seconds of agonizing torture, his entire being bursts into flames, unable to handle the power of the BasedGod’s wrath. The song ends.
No Longer Afraid of the Dark It’s dark. The air is still. The ground is hot. Water drips from the ceiling. The Hunchback, in a deep state of reflection, hasn’t moved a muscle for over 12 months. His shriveled body has been starved of nourishment and exercise, but fortunately, his weight gain has had the positive effect of having enough fat stored to keep him alive. The amount of based energy needed to have maintained this state of being has aged the BasedGod considerably. He has been devoid of almost any sense of perception for at least a few months. A faint glow radiates from his being. He has concentrated his powers to what was thought to be an unattainable degree of positivity. Before his extended withdrawal from society, the negative side of the force was something that the Hunchback struggled to put out of mind. At the level of based he now encompasses, the light of positivity is too grand for the BasedGod to fail. He is no longer afraid of the dark. And that’s because the dark no longer exists. The cavern has been filled with his based radiance. And the Hunchback is almost ready to return and spread this radiance throughout the land.
Nepal Wants the BasedGod All across BasedWorld, shooting star sightings have been abound, and thousands upon thousands of Bitch Mob members have been converted to Task Force faithful. Even beyond the traditional confines of BasedWorld, rare star sightings have also been seen in the Bitch Mob’s disparate properties. A star lands in the Bitch Mob’s Nepalian expansion territory. After having its people cleansed with the power of the BasedGod’s sixth secret instrumental track, Nepal adopts a new constitution which entails all of its citizens to embrace the Hunchback’s teachings of optimism and self-love.
Taxi Around Town The streets of Old BasedWorld have been in dire need of repair ever since the Bitch Mob ransacked the colony, but that doesn’t stop Travis, one of the land’s only remaining horse-drawn taxi drivers, from making a buck. One evening, he picks up a mysterious hooded figure in one of the town’s more dangerous districts. The man enters the carriage, greeting the driver with two words: “Hello, Travis.” The driver says nothing. The horses begin their trek through the streets, passing by a row of burning buildings. Travis breaks his silence. “It’s lit,” he says. “The buildings, that is. There’s only a few Bitch Mob members left at this point but they always blow these things up.” The figure feels more comfortable speaking to the driver: “I hear you got the nomination”. It dawns on Travis that this person must be almost exactly one year behind the times: has he ever even heard of Cardi B? Regardless, he plays along. “Straight up. Won’t be long now.” The figure smiles, quipping, “Well, I hope you win.” He then proceeds to remove his hood. Travis looks back and momentarily gasps. His composure returns soon thereafter. Unsure of how to proceed, he attempts to continue the conversation. “I… I read about you in the papers… How are you?” Knowing he’s referring to the suicides, the figure replies, “Oh, it’s nothing new, I got over that.” They sit in silence for the remainder of the ride. Soon, the horses come upon their destination, the edge of the BasedWorld Bay. The figure gets out of the car. Turning to Travis, he asks, “How much was it?” Travis is nearly speechless. He lets out one final Auto-Tuned “So long………..LA FLAME!” and the horses gallop off.
Berkeley California Before Lil B A massive cleaning project has commenced throughout Berkeley. The townspeople have nearly all been converted to followers of the BasedGod by this point, and in a unanimous vote, the colony’s leaders choose to rid Berkeley of any and all trace of Lil B and his formerly effective propaganda. Murals are whitewashed, statues are torn down, and portraits are removed from public spaces as the eighth of the BasedGod’s 13 secret instrumentals is played on a loop. The many books proclaiming Lil B’s omnipotence are collectively burned to ash in the town square. Even saying the name “Lil B” is punishable by fine of up to $30,000, equivalent to the amount of money Lil B had charged for features (in contrast to the Hunchback’s extremely generous $0.01 minimum fee for a verse). The townspeople are once again a tight-knit unit of based human beings living their best lives. It was just like Berkeley California before Lil B.
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